Unspoken
by lefcadio
Summary: Near x Gevanni. Spoilers for the end of the manga. Near copes with the unexpected, and learns a little about himself.


"Do you think," Mello had asked him once, "do you _think_ that you're unlovable?"

Near thought he probably was unlovable, but hadn't responded. He hadn't even looked up; the sneer in Mello's voice was practically tangible, and to answer, or even glance up, would be as good as admitting it had affected him.

"...Near?"

He'd clicked another piece of his puzzle into place, and listened as the echoes of Mello's hurried footsteps faded.

It wasn't until several years later he realised that, perhaps, Mello had not been trying to insult him.

----

There were a lot of things that Near didn't like to think about, but his mind dwelled on them anyway. Considered them carefully, turning over each unpleasant truth in his mind. So he was, he believed, intimately acquainted with his own weaknesses.

It was for the best, after all; he knew he couldn't possibly hope to approach L's level unless he examined everything in a detached, rational light. Whether it was Kira, the orphanage, Mello... or himself. He was aware this made him seem cold, but no matter what some of the others may have said... he had emotions; of course he did.

Near just preferred to keep them to himself; to mull them over, and decide how they might affect the situation. He was not impulsive, and did not think he could ever bring himself to be.

He didn't like to interact with people. Most of the time it simply seemed like an awkward façade; forced and fake - and he'd seen enough of that among the rest of the orphans. No reason why he should distract himself with it.

Back when they had both still lived at Wammy's House, Mello had on several occasions called him socially retarded, with that twist of a smile and an unreadable expression in his eyes. It didn't bother Near, but he knew it was true.

In fact, it was those words which lingered at the back of his mind on the morning of March 12th, 2009.

----

Near remained silent for a moment after the last few members of the SPK introduced themselves.

"...I'm Near," he said clearly, quietly, absently winding pale hair around one finger. Introductions, greetings, niceties... it seemed none of them knew quite what the circumstances called for.

He didn't know what to say, and so he watched them. It was the one named Gevanni who filled in his silence.

"It's good to meet you. I look forward to working with you to catch Kira."

Near met his steady gaze, and nodded. "...I'm glad to have your assistance."

At that time, he did not think particularly much of any of them. He knew that they looked at him and saw a child, as most did - watching him with guarded, incredulous expressions they no doubt thought well disguised.

The room was clinical; expanses of pale walls, just occasionally broken up by computers, monitors and clumps of dark tangled wires. It was cold, and Near pulled a knee up close, resting his chin on it and curling his toes around the edge of the chair. He wondered what the SPK were waiting for him to say - welcome, good luck, do your best? Perhaps he should, though it seemed inane and largely useless.

The silence was broken by Lidner, who coughed and stepped forward to offer Near her hand. There was a brief moment in which he simply stared at her, before reluctantly complying. Alienating his team at the first opportunity would probably not produce the best results, after all.

Her hand was cool and soft, and thankfully her grasp was short-lived. Unfortunately the same could not be said for Rester, who promptly followed suit and crushed Near's hand benevolently with hot, sweaty fingers.

He tried not to flinch, and endured Maison, Guardner and Ratt's advances as well. Which left...

Near glanced up, slightly surprised, at where Gevanni calmly stood; a little apart from the others, with no apparent intention to move. Well, that suited Near perfectly. He tried to discreetly wipe his hand on the side of his trousers, and was certain he saw Gevanni glance away, trying to hide a small smile.

It was... not an auspicious start. He supposed most people would probably say such initial awkwardness was inevitable; all assumed names, relationships founded on lies.

Thankfully, Near had very little in common with 'most people'.

----

"Do you ever miss it?" A brief silence. "Home, I mean."

The room was dark, a mess of shadows only split up by the light of the various monitors positioned around the room. Near paused; he was sprawled out on the floor, surrounded by toys, hand hovering above one of the building blocks he'd been about to reach for.

"...what do you mean?" He answered almost reluctantly, gaze settling on Gevanni's illuminated profile; the question had been asked absently, and the tapping of a keyboard continued. This was... unusual. He was generally content with Gevanni's presence; mostly silent, but by now familiar. Near was used to him staying on, frequently well into the early hours of the morning - and they would sometimes talk, of course, but...

"Just what I said." The clicking of keys ceased, though Gevanni did not turn to look at him. It was a strange moment, and Near was almost at a loss. Whatever did he want to know for? Idle curiosity? Or perhaps, he thought - and with only the faintest hint of sadness - Gevanni just wanted some sort of proof that he was _human_, like so many others seemed to.

He pretended it didn't bother him; that they should _need_ proof.

"No," he said, voice flat, and picked up a plastic dinosaur. "What's to miss? It was just an orphanage."

Gevanni shrugged. "Fair enough. Can't exactly say I miss mine."

"Why? You're never _there_ anymore... or so it seems." Near pointed out, and began to build a wall around the dinosaur. He glanced at the clock; two in the morning. Well, at least Gevanni didn't seem to be trying to analyse him. Rester had once started a conversation a bit like this before he'd gone to Japan, out of some misguided paternal instinct, it seemed. Near hadn't let it get very far.

"No, what's to miss?" He gave Near an odd smile, and then turned back to his screen, "not much there."

Silence fell again, and the dinosaur on the floor was now completely surrounded. Near pondered its situation for a moment, before knocking it all away from him with the lazy sweep of one arm. There, now he actually had space...

"Hey, don't go to sleep on the floor!"

Near blinked sleepily, suddenly aware that Gevanni was crouching in front of him. When had...?

Oh.

He frowned, vaguely irritated that Gevanni was still around - why couldn't he just go home? He could hardly be staying for the company.

"Why are you still here?" Near pushed himself up and sat somewhat stiffly, playing with a strand of hair as he tried to resist yawning. "Just go home. There's no point in you staying."

Gevanni remained silent for a moment, and did not move. It was darker, now; some of the monitors had been switched off, and nearly everything was swathed in shadows. Near didn't mind the dark at all - but he thought maybe Gevanni did, because he was starting to look a little awkward.

"...what about you? You can't seriously expect me to leave, with you falling asleep down there."

Honestly, Near was a little embarrassed about that - but he refused to show it. In fact it was probably for the best that he'd been woken up; imagine being found like that the next day...

"Well, stay in one of the spare rooms here like before, then," he relented, voice stiff, "if you're _that_ concerned..."

Near found he couldn't quite meet Gevanni's eyes as he stood up and turned away; there was a slightly heavy, tense feeling in the pit of his stomach - and it didn't help that he could feel the other's gaze on his back as he exited towards his own room.

This was foolish. There were more important things to be thinking about.

----

For all that they were in a different country, the scenery for Near and Gevanni was much the same; computers, wires, dull walls and scattered toys. Though he had never much been one for going out - generally preferring to stay indoors with his toys and puzzles - he was not so sure about Gevanni.

Rester and Lidner had always departed the SPK headquarters relatively frequently - but then, he had uses for them out there. However Gevanni, well... he usually needed Gevanni with him. It wouldn't change anything, but... he did wonder if he minded.

Though it mattered not: Gevanni's time was coming - imminently he would begin his shadowing of the X-Kira.

Near heard the door swing open, and then the muffled sounds of almost hesitant footsteps across the carpet behind him. He already knew who it would be.

"Why did you come back?" he picked up the tiny figure which he'd designated as X-Kira, and held it up. The footsteps stopped. "You were supposed to already be following him."

"...yes..." the voice sounded apologetic, but said no more until the footsteps resumed. "I had to come back and get some things."

Gevanni finally drew level with Near, and sat down on one of the chairs in front of the monitors, running a hand through his hair. Near was acutely aware of how the other was avoiding looking at him, and thought this visit unnecessary and... rather unprofessional.

He found he couldn't quite put a name to it.

"You didn't have to," he said, dropping the little figure of X-Kira carelessly, and selecting a different one with dark hair.

Gevanni sighed, and finally turned to look at Near reluctantly. "I know, sorry." Near watched him struggle for words for a moment, before Gevanni finally managed to get out, "Rester will be here with you?"

"Yes. You don't need to worry about me." Near wished that Gevanni wouldn't sound like he cared so much. It made things complicated; messy... something he hated. But, more than this, he was annoyed with himself for discovering that actually, he thought he was glad to see him.

Was that what this was; that dull ache and irritating warmth? He frowned, fingers tightening around the figure in his hand.

Perhaps. But maybe it wasn't. Maybe he just wanted Gevanni to leave, to go and do his job like he should. To leave like everyone did, like Mello had, and let Near get on with what he needed to be doing. Analysing, calculating... but he could do little more without further information, which is exactly why--

_do you think... you're unlovable?_

He shouldn't let Mello's words bother him. Words from so long ago... why did they still come back to him; why now?

"I should go." Gevanni was standing up, eyes dark and mouth tense, beginning to leave--

"...wait." They were both frozen, awkward, and the silence was uncertain. "...come here."

He sat perfectly still, clutching the toy in his hand as Gevanni approached and finally crouched beside him. Near prided himself on getting results; on working things out and getting the answers. But what was the answer here? Gevanni was simply waiting, expression calm, though Near could see that he looked tired; worn down. They were all doing everything they could.

"Why did you agree to do this?"

Near had never asked any of the SPK this before: he'd simply accepted - assumed - that they were all willing to do anything and everything to bring and end to Kira. Of course, he was correct. Was it just that it had never occurred to him to ask their motivations? Or that he had simply never _cared_?

After all, if they were successful, trivial things such as that didn't matter.

No, it didn't matter. But... he was curious all the same.

Gevanni looked a little surprised, but then smiled, "because I wanted to." He paused, as though trying to remember something long forgotten. "It was a few years ago now... back when I was new to the job. Kira was everywhere, and we were powerless to do anything about it. But some of us tried anyway; quietly, privately... not that it helped. But I hadn't got into this just to stand by and do nothing with a murderer like that around..." he trailed off and then shrugged, voice heavy, "my boss back then; I thought he was a great man - taught me a lot, helped me out... but one of the other guys, a friend of mine - Kira got him. Turned out my boss was actually a Kira supporter who'd been on the lookout for agents acting against Kira. He never found out about me of course, but..." Gevanni shook his head bitterly, "well, I was waiting for something like this. You don't have to worry; I'm willing to do whatever it takes."

"I know," Near said quietly. He looked at the earnest countenance of the man across from him, and almost smiled. He did not doubt Gevanni's abilities; nor Rester or Lidner's. They were all of them in this until the end. Gevanni was watching him carefully, an unreadable expression in his eyes. Near supposed this line of conversation was unusual for him, and he had to admit he'd almost been expecting--

But Gevanni was keeping his distance almost warily; there was not really that much space between them, but somehow it felt like it.

Gevanni never touched him; Near had always liked that. It showed an element of understanding he had come to stop expecting from people. But, now, he wasn't so sure.

Near was not impulsive. So when he dropped the tiny figure he'd been holding, and instead reached out with that same hand to take hold of Gevanni's tie, he knew exactly what he was doing. He heard a faint intake of breath as he tugged gently.

There was not much time. Realistically - although by his current calculations it was improbable - this could all be over for any of them at any time. They all had jobs to do, and nothing could get in the way of that.

So _this_, this was brief. This was a respite and, he hoped-wished-planned, would cause the least damage now, out in the open between them.

He noticed the precise moment Gevanni realised; the mixture of surprise, and - relief? - which tinged his sudden smile. But then he couldn't see the smile anymore, because Gevanni had leaned forward and kissed him, quite chastely, on the mouth.

For Near, this was not a satisfactory conclusion of the matter. Gevanni was still close, though Near had released his tie, and he could smell coffee and cigarette smoke; could feel the foreign warmth fading from his lips. So this time _he_ closed the gap, with his hand on Gevanni's jaw, rough stubble under his fingertips.

Eventually, Gevanni sank to his knees, and - still somewhat tentatively - reached out a hand to touch hot fingers to Near's neck, locating the pulse. He smiled, and Near flushed, knowing it must be fast.

But another, more certain kiss was interrupted by the sound of a distant door, and Gevanni instinctively broke away, staggering to his feet. Near felt a momentary sense of loss, of warmth, and watched Gevanni compose himself as Rester appeared. He barely stayed a minute longer.

"I... will be going, then."

Gevanni contented himself with a raised hand goodbye as he walked out the door, jacket over his arm; Near could only look on in silence. Rester glanced at them both, but then sat down, and did not say anything.

And now, it was the final stretch of the game: they were closing in. That was all that mattered.

----

He hadn't really thought much about what would happen, once it was over. Yagami Light - Kira - dead. Most others involved either imprisoned or dead as well.

The death note would be burned, and it... would finally be finished.

He had met with Rester and Lidner that morning; they'd be departing for the US imminently. Rather unexpectedly, Lidner had hugged him, and then apologised and thanked him in the same breath.

Roger had already been in contact. He'd said he would be flying out to Japan as soon as he could in order to observe the end of this matter himself.

And... Mello. It still hurt a little to think about him, now that he had no Kira case to focus on and distract him. He had liked him despite everything, although he still wasn't sure Mello had ever known that.

It was thanks to Mello that he had caught Kira; he would not forget.

_do you think... you're unlovable?_

He still could not forget those words, either.

Suddenly, there was a tentative knock on the door, and as he watched Gevanni approach, Near thought that perhaps... Perhaps, despite everything, he wasn't.


End file.
